I will be big

Thoughts

How to be a good girl:

  • Work hard to look attractive, but act like you don’t know it. 
  • Be “polite,” even when you’re being treated poorly. 
  • Be grateful for what you’re given and don’t dare ask for more. 
  • Look pretty at all times. Always. Be. Pretty.
  • Understand that being pretty is the rent you have to pay in order to exist in this world, and be thankful for that.
  • Look and act sexy for others, but never for yourself.
  • Put men’s comfort before your own.
  • Put everyone’s comfort before your own.
  • Act confident, but not in a way that threatens anyone. 
  • Never voice opinions that challenge other’s way of thinking – your job is to make people comfortable, remember?
  • Apologise for everything- the way you look, the way you think, the way you talk, the way you exist. 
  • Shave off all your body hair, do your makeup, dress in a sexy-yet-tasteful, trendy, figure-flattering, age-appropriate way, suck in that tummy, push out those tits, shut up, smile, and take it
  • Be small – physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
  • **Remember that small is the most important thing you should be!!**
  • Remember that small is more important than pretty. 

.

.

A long time ago I decided that I would under no circumstances betray myself or make myself smallever – in order to make other’s around me more comfortable in my presence. This decision to choose my own authenticity over approval was the single most empowering decision I’ve ever made… and in the years following has cost me countless friends, jobs, boyfriends, opportunities, and overall likability from the masses.

But you know what? To hell with likability, being polite, being accepted, being understood, fitting in, and most of all…

to hell with being small.

Who gives a shit about being accepted if you’ve spent all of your energy stuffing yourself into the tiny mould you’ve been alloted that you become so exhausted, suffocated, and confused you no longer recognise the person you’ve become? Who cares about being liked if you don’t even respect yourself anymore?

Who are you anyways if your identity changes on a whim depending on the people you’re around?

Are you anyone at all?

.

From now on, I will no longer make myself small, in any way, to accommodate the teeny, tiny people surrounding me.
From now on, I will be big.
From now on, they will rise up to meet me.

.

I would rather be alone than small.
I would rather be alone than small.
I would rather be alone than small.

I will repeat this to myself until it’s the only thing I can hear.

.

I will not betray myself to make others comfortable.
I will not betray myself to make others comfortable.
I will not betray myself to make others comfortable.

I will repeat this to myself until I believe it so deeply, so intensely, that it’s all I can feel.

.

I deserve to take up as much space as I want.
I deserve to take up as much space as I want.
I deserve to take up as much space as I want.

I will repeat this to myself until I’m emotionally large and thick with integrity, and I can stare myself in the face and not only like, but truly respect the person I see staring back at me. 

.

.

Opinions are cheap, and I am no longer interested in approval from people who scare easy or are intimidated by what they don’t understand… so if you’re not out there every day, pushing yourself forward, asking questions, being vulnerable, living with courage, standing for something, then I am not concerned with your opinions of me.

I’m not interested in approval from the masses because I’m not for the masses… instead I’m for me, and for a small group of fearless souls who, like me, have made promises to protect their authenticity at the expense of fitting in. My soul is too precious to give away to just anyone – no – I’m saving it to share with those who deserve to hear my story.

I save my heart to share with people who will listen without judgement, sit with me in my lows, celebrate with me in my highs, laugh with their bellies, and hug with their hearts, and the connections we form are one-thousand times more beautiful than any connection born out of trying to fit in and please those less courageous.

So here I am. My face is bare, my mind is open, my heart is full, my head is high, my voice is steady, my soul is light… and damnit, it feels fantastic to take up all this space: to take what I deserve!

So while people continue to try and convince me to be small and silent, I plan to become the biggest, baddest, hairiest bitch I can be,* and anyone who can’t handle me as my largest, highest, and fullest self can kindly step the fuck out of my way.

*and I encourage you to do the same.

The Author

tree hugger // star gazer // girl with the dance moves